Issue Index |
Successful Aging - Archived Article
Loss of an Adult Child
As we age, there may be many losses in our lives: the loss of a spouse, the loss of friends, of brothers and sisters, and possibly the loss of physical and mental functioning. There is another loss that is unexpected, but becoming more common as people live longer. This is the loss of an adult child.
Parents do not expect to outlive their children. The death of a child is difficult at any age, but older people have the issues of aging added to their grief. A surviving elderly parent often experiences the feeling that the normal process of life has been disturbed. Older persons may also experience fear and concern regarding who will take care of them.
All persons who are grieving need time to cope with the loss and all the emotions related to it. It helps to have the support of family and friends-- but unfortunately, older persons who are grieving may not have the support available that they once had. There may be a need to develop a new support network. This may be done through a religious congregation--if the person is affiliated with one-- or by finding a support group in the area. Talking with supportive people about your feelings, and sharing stories about the person are very helpful.
You may need to encourage others to give you the support you need. Well-meaning friends may be hesitant. This quote from a grieving parent was taken from the booklet Working Through Your Grief; " I get the feeling at times that even my close friends don't seem to mention my son's name anymore." The author of the booklet, Dr. Ronald Sunderland, explains that one reason people give for their hesitation to discuss the deceased person is that they do not want to cause pain. He suggests letting people know that you need to keep the memory alive. Let people know that you need to talk.
Another way to help you cope is to not isolate yourself. Allow yourself to be involved in normal daily activities as soon as you are able. If you feel sad, be sad, and give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. If you feel overwhelmed by the situation don't try to cope alone-- reach out for help. Join a support group or seek counseling if needed.
Some parents find great consolation in to doing something in memory of their children. Establishing scholarships, planting trees, making charitable donations or various other meaningful projects can do this. Not only are these tributes, but they can help with the grieving process.
If you want more information on support groups or other resources for the bereaved, call the Broome County Office for Aging at 607.778.2411.